Pains of mediciority
08.18.08 (6:43 am) [edit]
This one is easy,
I dont think i ever found something
i done close to perfection. Not even good
i'd say. Starting with colouring books
over reading and understand something to
keeping myself in shape or merly functional.
But the practice calls for a example ..
...
As i was younger, i liked to write in verse
so on one situation, talking to my cousin
about fantysy, she said "for once i would like
to see that the dragoon prevails, and not the
stupid knight in smelly armour". My delight was
bright and great, as her naming day neared, so
i thought : I will write just a story.
So i tolled weeks, a tale of a fair maiden,
proud knight and old dragon, love and arrogance
in fight with wisdom, encompasing all of year seasons,
ending tragically (i was young, needed the money ;)).
After near a month of constant polishing the words,
thumbing thesaurus and bitting nails i stoped
appalled of my dozend pages of .. garbage.
Where the rhymes were ok, so the flow was rubish
and should it be pleasant so it was to liveless
or to schmaltzy, last but not least the story was
childish anyway.
In the end i threw it all away.
I dont think i ever found something
i done close to perfection. Not even good
i'd say. Starting with colouring books
over reading and understand something to
keeping myself in shape or merly functional.
But the practice calls for a example ..
...
As i was younger, i liked to write in verse
so on one situation, talking to my cousin
about fantysy, she said "for once i would like
to see that the dragoon prevails, and not the
stupid knight in smelly armour". My delight was
bright and great, as her naming day neared, so
i thought : I will write just a story.
So i tolled weeks, a tale of a fair maiden,
proud knight and old dragon, love and arrogance
in fight with wisdom, encompasing all of year seasons,
ending tragically (i was young, needed the money ;)).
After near a month of constant polishing the words,
thumbing thesaurus and bitting nails i stoped
appalled of my dozend pages of .. garbage.
Where the rhymes were ok, so the flow was rubish
and should it be pleasant so it was to liveless
or to schmaltzy, last but not least the story was
childish anyway.
In the end i threw it all away.
Phase number three
08.17.08 (12:51 am) [edit]
Today i got to deal with
Fear of rejection.
I thought that it would be an easy one,
as i have deal with it everyday. Darkly,
i believe i got social phobia, so this
particular is the basis of it.
As far i can cast my nets in sea of memories
i remember i was the shy one, the times i
spoke to someone were met with astonishment
from my folks. My usual modus operandi was "talk if asked for".
I sometimes believe it was because i was the
first kid (of three) and the only who had not
any health problems. My younger brother is a
whirlwind of energy and there were no year where
he was not a visitor to emergency room. He got as many
scars as he got years. There was also the year
when he was in hospital care because meningitis.
My still younger sister was a wee one, anemic and
frail like silk in moonlight - she was the "precioussss"
of the family ( may there envy roar its ugly head ? ).
So between the two who were usually ( and with right thou )
the focus of the events, it happened two times that
got caved in ( dangers of being miner ) which gave
us some sleepless nights and him an plaster corset (broken collarbone).
In accident free time mom got woman-folk problems
and were a half an year in hospital.
Looking back i spend much of my time siting in waiting
rooms looking at people afraid to hope, the smell of
childhood - antiseptics ;)
feelings ? melancholy
Fear of rejection.
I thought that it would be an easy one,
as i have deal with it everyday. Darkly,
i believe i got social phobia, so this
particular is the basis of it.
As far i can cast my nets in sea of memories
i remember i was the shy one, the times i
spoke to someone were met with astonishment
from my folks. My usual modus operandi was "talk if asked for".
I sometimes believe it was because i was the
first kid (of three) and the only who had not
any health problems. My younger brother is a
whirlwind of energy and there were no year where
he was not a visitor to emergency room. He got as many
scars as he got years. There was also the year
when he was in hospital care because meningitis.
My still younger sister was a wee one, anemic and
frail like silk in moonlight - she was the "precioussss"
of the family ( may there envy roar its ugly head ? ).
So between the two who were usually ( and with right thou )
the focus of the events, it happened two times that
got caved in ( dangers of being miner ) which gave
us some sleepless nights and him an plaster corset (broken collarbone).
In accident free time mom got woman-folk problems
and were a half an year in hospital.
Looking back i spend much of my time siting in waiting
rooms looking at people afraid to hope, the smell of
childhood - antiseptics ;)
feelings ? melancholy
workin on self
08.16.08 (1:03 pm) [edit]
Practice two.
As for today have to face the "fear of success".
I try to dig deep and find some burning shame
interwined with success.
I think i have not man such experiences, where
the price of success was bitter sweet. Possibly
maybe only because i did not had much planed success.
I remember one time in summer camp i won the contest
for the prettiest boy of camp, Mister Summer-camp me.
I was happy as for the win, tried to be so charming
(i always think that to be charming is other word for
being gentleman - have to be all that knights and
musketeer reading i did in my wee times), so standing
before the whole camp. i answer question, make good points
for being so "sweet" till the question about my dream woman
comes. So wanting be as "perfect" as possible i want to
say that not the looks are important but the human behind them.
Unlucky 10 year me said something like : "The size is not relevant,
nor the colours of skin , or eyes or fur."
Yeah, i said, coat, because i couldn't in that one moment remember
the word for hair. The woman folk were not amused.
Stupidly burning shame, there are some dark nights where recall of
this bring warmth to my face. sigh
Yeah, it happens often that things i say do not really have the same
shape as my thoughts.
As for today have to face the "fear of success".
I try to dig deep and find some burning shame
interwined with success.
I think i have not man such experiences, where
the price of success was bitter sweet. Possibly
maybe only because i did not had much planed success.
I remember one time in summer camp i won the contest
for the prettiest boy of camp, Mister Summer-camp me.
I was happy as for the win, tried to be so charming
(i always think that to be charming is other word for
being gentleman - have to be all that knights and
musketeer reading i did in my wee times), so standing
before the whole camp. i answer question, make good points
for being so "sweet" till the question about my dream woman
comes. So wanting be as "perfect" as possible i want to
say that not the looks are important but the human behind them.
Unlucky 10 year me said something like : "The size is not relevant,
nor the colours of skin , or eyes or fur."
Yeah, i said, coat, because i couldn't in that one moment remember
the word for hair. The woman folk were not amused.
Stupidly burning shame, there are some dark nights where recall of
this bring warmth to my face. sigh
Yeah, it happens often that things i say do not really have the same
shape as my thoughts.
self discipline practice
08.15.08 (4:27 am) [edit]
Coming back to ongoing quest for self improvement,
i got a book about self discipline. In first part
of it, ind of introduction it shows that self discipline
is kind of skill that can be learned and that it isn't
an inborn characteristic. It also states that one undermines
his own discipline through dual nature of his own personality.
Yeah, my bad side smirked at this stunning revelation.
Continuing it lists common tactics one uses subsonsciously
to slack off and ways to recognize this and battle against.
The book promisess also betterment, if followed through the
practices.
so today the first practice, to break ones fear of failure,
i have to list my earliest memories that shows such and the
negative rection that followed. It should help me to realise that
fears have an hold on.. in old wounds .. memories.
..
Far, far away, long time ago..
At the time i am average guy, not averse to sports
but neither fan of, my strenght was (i belive) my kind of humor
- think joker - class clown. We played a game of handball,
it was maybe the 3.rd grade of basic school. The game was
pretty fun, also because the teams were pretty balanced. Neither
of the teams could get ahead of the other. The defense of the
opponent team was really competent and our attack waves were stoped
cold, goal unpenetrable. Short before the end of game, we got a nice
chance, long pass and couple of our team against the lonely goalkeeper -
- the rest of the opposition behind us. So i call to my friend, who
got the ball and unlike me, was athletic and a sport freak:
"If you can't make a points of this situation, than something is wrong!"
He answered throwing the ball to me - "So make it yourself !"
Flabergasted i stand there, opponent team hot on persuit, and my friend
looks sceptical with crossed arms at me.
With no time to lose, i jump, throw , the ball leaves my sweaty hands and
strikes the wall couple of yards off the goal..
My friend shrugs, and says "Its not easy, eh ?". The guys who noted our
exchange chuckled. The game continues and but i dont remember much as my unconsciounes sung to me "youre to stupid, to stupid to live... ".
Yeah.. shame still colours my face with hot red.
i got a book about self discipline. In first part
of it, ind of introduction it shows that self discipline
is kind of skill that can be learned and that it isn't
an inborn characteristic. It also states that one undermines
his own discipline through dual nature of his own personality.
Yeah, my bad side smirked at this stunning revelation.
Continuing it lists common tactics one uses subsonsciously
to slack off and ways to recognize this and battle against.
The book promisess also betterment, if followed through the
practices.
so today the first practice, to break ones fear of failure,
i have to list my earliest memories that shows such and the
negative rection that followed. It should help me to realise that
fears have an hold on.. in old wounds .. memories.
..
Far, far away, long time ago..
At the time i am average guy, not averse to sports
but neither fan of, my strenght was (i belive) my kind of humor
- think joker - class clown. We played a game of handball,
it was maybe the 3.rd grade of basic school. The game was
pretty fun, also because the teams were pretty balanced. Neither
of the teams could get ahead of the other. The defense of the
opponent team was really competent and our attack waves were stoped
cold, goal unpenetrable. Short before the end of game, we got a nice
chance, long pass and couple of our team against the lonely goalkeeper -
- the rest of the opposition behind us. So i call to my friend, who
got the ball and unlike me, was athletic and a sport freak:
"If you can't make a points of this situation, than something is wrong!"
He answered throwing the ball to me - "So make it yourself !"
Flabergasted i stand there, opponent team hot on persuit, and my friend
looks sceptical with crossed arms at me.
With no time to lose, i jump, throw , the ball leaves my sweaty hands and
strikes the wall couple of yards off the goal..
My friend shrugs, and says "Its not easy, eh ?". The guys who noted our
exchange chuckled. The game continues and but i dont remember much as my unconsciounes sung to me "youre to stupid, to stupid to live... ".
Yeah.. shame still colours my face with hot red.
slowing down
06.30.08 (2:26 pm) [edit]
i came just out of the shower
the dog lies on the floor, a black,
lighty snoring alive bear trap
and my wife is looking at me smiling sceptically.
Night is creeping in, time to sleep, and i would say something brilliant
but my skin is wrinkled and steaming hot from the water
my eye lids don't obey anymore and a promise of
dreaming sweetly is bubbling along my mushy thoughts
good night together
the dog lies on the floor, a black,
lighty snoring alive bear trap
and my wife is looking at me smiling sceptically.
Night is creeping in, time to sleep, and i would say something brilliant
but my skin is wrinkled and steaming hot from the water
my eye lids don't obey anymore and a promise of
dreaming sweetly is bubbling along my mushy thoughts
good night together